What is Mental Health?

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• Mental health includes our emotional, psychological, and social well-being. It affects how we think, feel, and act. It also helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others, and make choices. Mental health is important at every stage of life, from childhood and adolescence through adulthood.

• We now know that while we as adults tend to think kids have it easy, but even though they are young it doesn’t mean that they cannot have mental health issues. Things like OCD and anxiety can present in children starting at a very young age, but they don’t understand how to express that or how to get help. 

• Everyone is going through something

  • When we refer to mental health, we aren’t just speaking about diagnosed mental disorders, but the everyday mental olympics that we all go through. According to the National Alliance of mental Health, 1 in 5 adults experience some form of mental illness and 1 in 25 have serious mental illness. 

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• Here are some signs of what to look for: 

  • Eating or sleeping too much or too little

  • Pulling away from people and usual activities

  • Having low or no energy

  • Feeling numb or like nothing matters

  • Having unexplained aches and pains

  • Feeling helpless or hopeless

  • Smoking, drinking, or using drugs more than usual 

  • Feeling unusually confused, forgetful, on edge, angry, upset, worried, or scared

  • Yelling or fighting with family and friends

  • Experiencing severe mood swings that cause problems in relationships

  • Having persistent thoughts and memories you can't get out of your head

  • Hearing voices or believing things that are not true

  • Thinking of harming yourself or others

  • Inability to perform daily tasks like taking care of your kids or getting to work or school

 

Overcoming

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Finances - Don’t be afraid of costs!​

• If you have insurance, that’s an awesome start, but if not try to sign up for Medicaid (no shame in the game).

• Ask for a sliding scale. Explain your situation and sometimes you’ll get lucky and a doctor will work with you.

• Look for free support groups in your area. You don’t have to share. Sometimes just being there and listening and being in a space with others that share similar situations can be therapeutic. 

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  Medication/Psychiatry

• Because your doctor suggests it, doesn’t mean you have to. 

• Medication does not mean you stop meetings. The goal is to get you to a place where you can deal with your day to day and learn tangible ways to cope with events for the long term. Ultimately, you control your treatment.

• Again, check for costs beforehand and ask questions about side effects, schedule, and how to begin.

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Toxic Relationships

Signs of Toxic Parenting

• Highly negatively reactive. Toxic parents are emotionally out of control. They tend to dramatize even minor issues and see any possible slight as a reason to become hostile, angry, verbally abusive, or destructive.

  • Usually typical of narcissistic parents or parents with mental health issues

  • May have their own narcissistic tendencies of seeing themselves as much better parents than they actually were.

• Lack of empathy. The toxic person or parent is not able to empathize with others. Instead, everything is about them and their needs, and they fail to see how anything they do could be seen by others as disruptive, harmful, or hurtful.

  • Fail to apologize 

  • No problem you have is as bad as the problems they have or have experienced in the past

• Extremely controlling. The more toxic the individual, the more they want to control everything and everyone in their vicinity. This means over-parenting and making unreasonable demands of even adult children.​

• Highly critical. The toxic parent cannot or will not see the achievements of their children, regardless of how accomplished the child is or becomes as an adult. They are constantly putting down people around them while making themselves out to be exceptional, gifted, or talented.

• Blaming everyone else. The disharmony, disagreements, hostility, and family breakdown caused by the toxic parent is always the fault of someone else. These parents cannot take responsibility for any problems, but blame the rest of the family and twist or manipulate how they see these events.

• Codependency/Familial Obligation

  • Using the family structure and closeness to manipulate their child’s behavior

    • You can’t leave me alone, what would I do without you, your siblings rely on you

  • May overshare or insert themselves into every decision

• Competitive

  • I used to do more. I can beat you. I am better than you. You’ll never live up to me.

• Abusive

  • Some parents tend to think that abuse ends at physical and sexual or that their actions and/or words could never be deemed as such.

  • Munchausen by Proxy is a way that some toxic parents exert control over their children by faking illnesses to get attention and sympathy from caretakers and family and friends. This usually involves the parent slowly poisoning their child or creating illnesses that their child has and subjecting them to unnecessary treatment. 

• Overzealous enforcement of religious beliefs. Practices that have no relation to trying to build a child’s relationship with God.

• Parents believe they are helping a child grow by practicing some of these techniques. (Dr. Susan Forward: Toxic Parents - Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your life)

  • Examples of such toxic beliefs are:

    • Children should respect their parents no matter what

    • There are only two ways to do things – my way and the wrong way

    • Children should be seen but not heard

    • It’s wrong for children to be mad at their parents

  • And examples of unspoken toxic family rules can be:

    • Don’t be more successful than your father

    • Don’t be happier than your mother

    • Don’t lead your own life

    • Don’t ever stop needing me
       

Overcoming 

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• Set boundaries

  • Walk away instead of reacting

  • Limit how much information they have about you

  • Remove them from social media if that has been a way into your life

  • Only offer help or assistance when you are emotionally able and not when they want 

  • “If you let your toxic family member violate your boundaries, it sends the message to them that they can still control you as long as they push hard enough. You have to stay consistent and strong, even when it seems easier to give in.” https://abetterliferecovery.com/setting-personal-boundaries-with-toxic-family-members/ 

• Control the location

  • This allows you to leave easily if need be

• Self-care

  • Until you address the way that this toxic person has been affecting you, overcoming it may be difficult. Seek therapy, self-help books, mediation, journaling, you have to heal yourself first.

    • Family therapy

  • It may take time to truly realize that you are not the problem

  • Be aware of you own toxic behavior
     

• Truths About Having Toxic Parents

  • You are not your parents.

  • You're not the abusive things they say about you. 

  • Your parents don’t have to heal for you to get well.

  • Cutoffs may not heal.

  • You don’t have to like your parents, but you might still be attached and love them.

  • Active addiction or abuse by a parent may trigger you. Set boundaries and practice non-attachment. 

  • You can’t change or rescue family members.

  • Indifference, not hatred or anger, is the opposite of love.

  • Hating someone interferes with loving yourself.

  • Unresolved anger and resentment hurt you.

• Adult Children Divorcing their Parents - Reasons Why

  • "You Weren't a Good Parent"

  • "You Broke Up Our Family"

  • "You Still See Me as a Child"

  • "We Don't Have the Same Values"

  • "You're a Toxic Person"
     

Overcoming

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• Focus on one challenge at a time. Don’t overwhelm yourself or your child by trying to change too many behaviors at once. Putting your energy into one thing helps you succeed.  Just take small steps.

• Keep a journal of your progress. Rereading your notations may help you see behavior patterns (and progress!) that you otherwise might have missed.

• Track the targeted behavior on a calendar. If your plan is effective, you’ll gradually see a decline in the frequency of the old style and you’ll know you’re succeeding. It also reminds you to stick to the plan for 21 days (how long new behavior takes).

• Form a support group with another parent or two. Commit to meeting regularly. You’ll realize that other parents’ kids have similar behavior problems as yours—which is always a bit comforting–as well as have the chance to hear their suggestions of what works or doesn’t work in ridding bad behaviors.

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Signs of Toxic Friends

Frenemies

• You’re giving more than you’re getting.

If your friend always seems to need your help, but can’t return even the smallest favor, then chances are they’re toxic. Case in point: that friend who always monopolizes the conversation with what's going on in her life, but as soon as it's time to talk about you, suddenly remembers that she just has to be somewhere.

 

• You no longer trust them.

Friendships are built on trust. After all, if you can’t rely on your BFF, what’s the point of having one? So, Bonior says, "If you don't trust that they have your best interests in mind... that's often a sign that something's not working." For example, a toxic friend might say "they’ll pick you up at the airport and then back out at the last minute," according to clinical psychologist Jill Squyres, Ph.D. Granted, sometimes people have to break promises for a legit reason, and that’s totally fair. But if "you constantly feel let down by them… it's gonna be hard for you to have the level of affection for them that could truly keep a good friendship going."

 

• You dread checking your phone.

Technology has made it so easy to keep up with your friends—for better or, uh, worse. You’ll know it’s the second option "when the person calls or texts you [and] you feel a dread in the pit of your stomach instead of happiness," says Squyres. A good friend shouldn’t make you freak out whenever your phone buzzes, so it’s probably time to hit that "Do Not Disturb" button.

 

• You don’t enjoy spending time with them.

If you did a happy dance the last time they cancelled plans, it’s probably because you’re tired of putting in more work than the friendship is worth. "It feels more draining; it feels like a chore," Bonior says. You also might notice "an increase in anxiety, headaches, or stomach disturbance when you’re with her," according to clinical psychologist and author Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D.

 

• You don't like yourself when you're with them.

A toxic friend has a knack for spreading their toxicity to others, according to Bonior. "When you're with that person, they bring out behaviors in you that aren't your best," she explains. Maybe you're drinking too much, gossiping, or being passive-aggressive with them when you're normally super-chill. Those are all signs, she says, of a toxic friendship.

 

• Have Your Friendships Changed?

Or you might feel like you can't be your realest self around them because you "consistently fear... how the other person will react" and "feel like you're walking on eggshells" around them, says Lombardo. Basically, she adds, if "you feel lousy about yourself most of the time, then it may be toxic."

 

• You know they talk sh*t about you.

While “there's a spectrum of talking about people behind their back,” according to Bodior, if your friendship is starting to resemble an episode of the Real Housewives, it’s probably toxic. The key, she says, is knowing if your friend is speaking out of genuine concern for your best interests or not. “It's one thing for some friends to be like, 'You know, I really don't like that guy Shelly's dating. He seems like a jerk, and I'm concerned about it,” Bodior explains. “Once it launches into 'Oh my god, Shelly always dates the dumbest guys,' and [they’re] kind of laughing about it and making fun of her—that really veers into cruelty.”

 

• You compete with them.

There’s nothing wrong with a little healthy competition between friends—emphasis on the little. This is especially true if you happen to be in the same field or have kids at the same time, Bonior notes, "but at the end of the day, you should still have good feelings toward your friend and want what's best for them overall." While it’s totally normal to feel jealous from time to time, if you feel like you’re in "a constant fight that you want to win over and over again," that can be toxic.

 

• You don’t think they have good intentions.

Even the best of friends are nowhere near perfect (obvs), but they always have good intentions. And that makes a big difference. "Whenever we make mistakes in a friendship, that's when the intention really matters," Bonior notes. While a good friend might accidentally hurt you when her intentions were good, "that's a lot easier to forgive" than when a toxic friend intentionally hurts you.

 

• You can’t depend on their advice.

Life can be confusing AF. That’s why we need good friends to help figure it out. But when you ask for a friend’s advice and instantly regret it, that could mean they’re toxic. "They're not gonna listen, and [they’re] not going to be terribly empathetic or compassionate," says Squyres. "…If they do listen, it's usually to give one-sided advice that makes them sound smart or more competent and successful than you." Often, a toxic friend will insist on an expensive or impractical fix "where you feel like you have to agree" even though you know it’s not realistic.

 

• You’re embarrassed by their behavior toward others.

One of those most common complaints Squyres hears about toxic friends is that they’re "rude to people you care about," like your partner, your other friends, and even your kids. Or when you're out together at a restaurant, "the person makes a lot of trouble, embarrasses you, demands things that you don't think are reasonable, and sort of drags you along," she adds. Even if they’re nice to you, at a certain point, their friendship isn’t worth the trouble it causes in your other relationships.

 

• You make excuses for them.

When a friend is known for their bad behavior, they put you into the uncomfortable position of justifying their actions to others—and that’s toxic. This most often happens, Squyres says, when someone introduces a new friend to an old one. The new friend might later point out that the old friend ignored or interrupted her, prompting the main friend to say, "Oh, you just don't really know her. She's really very nice." Sure, Jan…

 

• You feel used.

Enough said

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• You don't know why you're friends with them.

Once upon a time, you two were inseparable. But now, you feel like you're on two different planets. While your priorities evolved and changed over the years, your friendship—not so much. "Just because you have a history with this person doesn’t mean you need to have a future together," says Lombardo. "...You are not responsible for this person’s happiness, and you will not be able to change them (no matter how much you wish you could)."

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Overcoming

• So there's no doubt about it: your friend is toxic. Now, what?

If you're not sure whether you should end the friendship, Squyres suggests first talking to other people to get a "reality check" on the relationship. An outsider's opinion can draw your attention to red flags you didn't notice or have brushed under the rug. "You could also try setting limits with this person," Squyres adds. She did this herself with a friend who would always monopolized the conversation whenever they talked on the phone. Whenever that happened, she would just say, "I need to hang up now"—and she would actually do it. Lombardo agrees and adds that once you "establish boundaries, stick with them." If you have a friend who's always calling you and begging you to bend over backward to help with her projects, tell her you can't—every time.

 

• How to Break Up with a Friend

When you're just #overit, you can "slow fade" out of the friendship, says Bonior. "That's the easiest, most comfortable way to extract yourself," she explains. But, it "only works when both parties recognize what's happening, and both parties take a step back naturally."

 

• If your toxic friend has no clue that they're radioactive, they might push back harder, get offended, become accusatory, or just totally miss the hint, cautions Bonior. So, "if you have to be more direct, you have to be more direct," she continues. "Nobody wants to do this— it's totally awkward—but sometimes... you just have to be clear." She recommends saying something neutral yet firm, such as: "Hey, I know you've noticed that I haven't been able to spend as much time with you lately. To be honest, my life's moving in a different direction. I value the friendship that we've had, but I just don't see being able to spend as much time together."

 

• Best case scenario, they accept your decision, "but in a really toxic relationship, all bets are off," says Bonior. "The person could start a huge argument, and when that's the case, all you owe to that person is just be clear about what you're doing. You can be respectful, but you gotta be firm." To stay firm, she recommends going into this conversation with a clear sense of what you want to get out of it.

 

• At that point, both Bonior and Squyres say you have the right to cut the toxic friend off. "You can't have a constructive conversation with this person, so the ordinary rules of engagement no longer apply," Squyres says. "You just need to exit as gracefully as you can and just realize that's your answer."

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• How to Fix a Broken Friendship—and When Not To

  • Of course, Bonior doesn’t advise dumping a friend who’s not able to be there for you all the time, especially if they’re going through a tough time themselves. "It's important that we understand that friendships be flexible," she explains. "… But if the pattern is so ingrained that you always feel like you're giving, giving, giving, and there's no reciprocity over a long period of time—that's a sign that it's not gonna be very sustainable."

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Source: Women's Health

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Additional Resources

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• American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP): This group works to prevent individuals suffering from depression from hurting themselves. Its website lists local chapters and support groups for suicidal individuals and those who have lost a loved one to suicide.

• Freedom From Fear: This organization's website contains self-screening tests for anxiety and depression and provides free professional counseling to individuals who take the test. Its website also lists support groups in each state and allows users to search for physicians in their area.

• Postpartum Support International: This group helps mothers suffering from postpartum depression locate medical professionals in their area for treatment. It also offers counseling to family members.

• MoodGYM: This website teaches cognitive behavioral therapy skills to individuals suffering from anxiety and depression.

• E-Couch: This website contains diagnostic modules that allow users to determine if they should seek medical help. It also explains and teaches cognitive and behavioral therapy techniques and relaxation methods.

• Anxiety Disorders Association of America (ADAA): This organization focuses on educating medical professionals, individuals suffering from anxiety or depression and their family members about the symptoms and treatment options for the illnesses. Its website explains the different manifestations of the illnesses in children, adults and the elderly, describes the most commonly used therapeutic techniques and allows users to find a local therapist.

• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): This group aims to increase awareness about mental illnesses and improve the quality of life of individuals suffering from them. It defines and describes depression and anxiety and discusses the types and components of medications used to treat different illnesses on its website.

• Beacon Tree Foundation: This group gives parents of children with mental illnesses funding to pay for therapy, special schooling or prescription drugs

• The Confess Project: A non-profit that trains barbers to help their clients deal with mental health issues in their communities. For a lot of men of color it can be the only time they allow themselves to be vulnerable and they are seen by the barbers at least once a month. 

 

 

Sources: Health Line, Mind Body Green, The Pragmatic Parent, Calibe, Agile Lean Life,

BMC Research, Very Well Family, Psychology Today, Hey Sigmund, NAMI, Buzzfeed, The Conversation, Charity, Social Works, HuffPost, TalkSpace, MentalHealth.gov, Healthline, Urban Dictionary, Practical Psychology, Gilroy Associates, atlassian, CNBC, Inc., Harvard Business Review, Bustle, NYPost,  Monster, Newsbreak

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